innocence lost
Carly Davis
the intrusion
of penetrating
words never heard,
so perfectly strung together
but red
with the blood from cracked
and used lips,
misunderstood
too many
years in between,
a first indulgence,
that made a mind undone
sweetly smiling
and fresh
like new pink flesh,
but pressed and confused
unfair advantage in
that dirty
nightmare,
of mistaken love
I thought your poem was a little ambiguous and unclear of the exact meaning. However, the line breaks and stanza separations are great. I love the tension they bring. I would not change anything that has to do with your poem’s structure. Just add some more concrete statements instead of abstract.
The use of line breaks to convey an underlying meaning is really interesting and effective in this poem! I think you could take a look at your punctuation, though, as some of it seems unnecessary.
I’m a bit confused about what this is about– it almost seems like this poem is about itself, or the act of writing.
I like portions of this poem however, like the lines “like new pink flesh”– this is a line that’s really showing, not telling: Love it!
I feel like the confusion of this poem comes from concrete images that aren’t connected to any abstractions that can connect in our minds as something relateable.